I love guys. I have a special guy I’ve been married to for 27 years, and I have another special guy I gave birth to 13 years ago. And I’ve got assorted other special guys, nephews and brothers and such.
But they all do certain things that girls/women just don’t do. Here’s a brief list:
- They hock lugies. Okay, I can’t hock anything, ever. Even when I was in the hospital with pneumonia, I wasn’t hocking stuff. But men seem to have an innate sense of how to do this. And then they spit it out. On the ground. Out the car window. In the sink. In the toilet (which they never flush).
- They never flush. (Bears repeating.)
- They use the toilet seat not to sit on but to aim at.
- If they miss, they walk away whistling.
- Once any substance is on the outside of their bodies, they assume the substance has become toxic and will not touch it/clean it up. It’s just pee, guys. And it’s NOT my pee.
- They leave beard clippings in the sink.
- They never, ever, ever put a new roll of toilet paper on the holder. Leaving one thin sheet on the roll does not let you off the toilet-paper holder hook.
- They think car windows are opaque. I have seen men doing things in their cars that have scarred me for life.
- They wrestle. We have many cats. Cats lay on furniture. You can’t randomly throw someone onto a piece of furniture in my house.
- They try to do things they haven’t done since high school. Have you ever heard of a kip-up? Me neither. Until my husband tried to demonstrate. He laid on his back and then rolled up so that his feet were in the air and just his shoulders were on the floor. And then he attempted to leap to his feet from that position. Apparently when you’re 17 and a male you can do this. When you’re 40, you can’t. My entire house shook with the sound of him slamming down onto his back.
- They whine like stray dogs when they are injured or sick, especially after doing a kip-up.
- They never know where their shoes (jacket, wallet, Ipod, cell phone…) are. And I always do. Why do I know these things? I certainly can’t find my own stuff.
- They go from making the “vroom vroom” sound with Matchbox cars to real cars. In the middle of the night. Right outside my bedroom window.
- They can nap. Okay, this one is pure jealousy. I can never nap. I feel guilty. Not guys. They can fit in a quick nap during commercial breaks and wake up feeling refreshed. If I nap, I have constant nightmares and wake up puffy and deeply wrinkled.
- They fall asleep within 30 seconds of hitting the pillow. I can’t tell you how many times my husband has asked me a question, then fallen asleep half-way through my answer.
- They like movies where lots of people die horrible deaths at the hands of guys in masks. I always wonder how many guys secretly are serial killers who haven’t been caught.
That’s just off the top of my head. I’ll probably wake up at 3:00 a.m. thinking, oh, oh, why didn’t I put that one in! And my husband will sleep on beside me, dreamless and non-puffy.