Why do we still have Halloween on October 31? No one cares about the silly All Hallows Eve date anyway. I had a debate about Halloween years ago with a friend who would not allow her kids to celebrate the holiday because of the devil-worship angle, and I told her she should be glad we have Halloween. It used to be something bad, and we took it away from the bad people and gave it to our kids. We made something good out of something bad. Isn’t that what good people are supposed to do? Now it’s candy and dress-up and adorable kids. If I were Satan, I’d be so P.O.’ed, I’d stay firmly in Hell the whole night so I wouldn’t be subjected to so much cuteness and happiness. It seriously must give him a raging toothache. I think if I were to run a battle against Satan, I wouldn’t bring guns. I’d bring puppies and kittens and babies. Some little chicks, maybe. Baby pandas! What’s cuter than that? Hold up a baby panda and I know Satan would run off that battlefield!
So if the reason for the holiday doesn’t matter, why leave it on that stupid date? Here in the midwest, it’s cold by October 31. They cancelled trick or treating last night in the northeast because of SNOW. Even without the snow, you put together this amazing costume and then cover it with a coat. Or you layer so many pairs of long underwear underneath that you have to waddle house to house. One Halloween, I crept along in my van as the kids walked so that, when they got too miserable, they could jump in the van, drink some hot chocolate and warm up, then jump out and hit a few more houses. And what about school the next morning? How miserable is that, dragging yourself out of bed at 6:30, puffy with lack of sleep and stomach griping from too much candy.
My son’s teacher actually said that anything they didn’t get done in class was homework. Bah-humbug! Oh, wrong holiday.
If we had the holiday, say, first Friday in October, we could have the excellent school parties, then race home, try to choke down some dinner, hit the streets for candy, get to bed late, sleep late Saturday, have massive candy-trading sessions with our friends all afternoon. Maybe even have Saturday parades.
And think about all the grownup women in their slutty cop uniforms and the guys in their…I’m not even going to talk about what some of the guys wear. Let’s just say that even past puberty, they still think certain body parts are the funniest thing in the world. How nice would it be to hit the Halloween parties and not have to convince your boss that you really had the flu next day? To be able to wake up at noon still in your naughty maid’s costume, luxuriating in the sunshine…or wrapped around the commode. But not having to go to work!
We should all grab some pictures of baby kangaroos and march on Washington to change this inequity. Or on the local Halloween stores. Think of all the money they could make with a weekend-long holiday. We should definitely get the capitalists on our side.
Then, we march on Hell itself.
Okay, I’m getting a little too worked up. It’s the candy hangover. Gets me every year.