Here’s a letter I fantasize about receiving from my insurance company:
Dear Mrs. Carter:
It has come to our attention that you have a giant fat butt. Recent studies show that this condition is extremely dangerous to both your health and our profitability. To keep your medical coverage, you must report to one of the clinics listed below for liposuction immediately. There is no co-pay for this procedure.
Rest assured that with new medical advances, liposuction is now painless and leaves no lumps, dimples, or scars. As far as discomfort goes, it’s on a par with a PAP smear. You don’t even need anesthesia for this life-saving procedure.
We realize this is a difficult decision for many women, so as an incentive for compliance, we are authorizing your doctor to re-inject the fat removed from your giant fat butt into your breasts.
We apologize for the inconvenience, but this is a matter of life and death for you, and huge profits for us. You will receive a $100 gift card to the department store of your choice upon completion of the procedure.*
Thank you, Your Insurance Company
*Gift card will be deactivated if used to purchase any item from the housewares, men’s and children’s clothing, and pet supply departments. Cute Christmas frames are exempt from this prohibition.