In the middle of the night, I heard a commotion in the hallway — hissing, growling, little cat feet running in all directions. I ran to the hall to see what was going on, and I stepped on something kind of cold in the dark.
When I flipped the hall light on, I saw Princess, the house bully, run terrified into my room. Cleo the horrible kitten, whom Princess stalks and sometimes chases, ran terrified into my daughter’s room. Keas, the weird, awkward, hippy cat, was the last cat standing. She looked rather belligerent, kind of puffed-up and hulking, glaring around. Keas is not a small cat, so I was impressed, and with her yellow eyes, she can look more angry than any cat I know, even though she’s the sweetest thing. I had the impression that Princess had been stalking Cleo, and gentle, laid-back Keas finally had enough and kicked Princess’s butt.
I also found that it is in fact possible to get the crap scared out of you.
And I had stepped in it.
What is with the nasty stuff cats leave on the carpet? Other than the obvious, there are the hair balls, those stiff whiskers, and toenails. I cannot understand where all the toenails come from. Why aren’t they all walking around on bloody little stumps?
I had a friend whose cat would bring her “gifts,” like little mousies and birds. And snakes.
At least cats use a litter box. Hamsters and mice aren’t actually aware they’re going to the bathroom. Everywhere they walk.
I’m not even going to talk about dogs. Dogs are truly disgusting, happy-go-lucky, “let the chips fall where they may” kinds of animals.
And then there are the most disgusting animals of all — kids. They leave half-eaten sandwiches behind couches. They tuck milk glasses behind the curtains. They forget to remove leftover lunches from their backpacks — all weekend long.
And that’s the bigger kids. Little kids are absolutely disgusting. Anything that comes out of their bodies is fascinating. I disagree. I really don’t need to be shown that stuff. They’re so hurt that you don’t find their bodily cast-offs as interesting as they do. And why use a tissue when the wall is right there? Or the sofa? Or the bedspread? Or the curtain?
And what’s with showing me every loose tooth in their heads? Why do I have to watch it leaning back and forth, hanging by a thread … OF SKIN. That’s truly disgusting. I will vomit at a loose tooth.
At a lot of baby showers, they ask everyone to give one piece of advice to the new mom. Most moms give sage advice: Sleep when the baby sleeps; say “I love you” every day to your kids; don’t sweat the small stuff. Not me. Here’s my best piece of advice for any new mother: Never, ever accept anything a small child tries to hand you without knowing exactly what is in said child’s hand. Look first. Open your hand last. Trust me — best advice you’ll ever get.