The Friday Rant: How not to get a date

My daughter has been facebook friends with a guy for eight months, never a problem, and then one day he lost his damn mind and sent her a random picture of his private parts.

Either he thinks this is the perfect way to score a date, or he has finally realized he has zero chance with her and decided to commit a public facebook suicide.

Maybe you guys would love to receive a picture of a girl’s private parts, though I don’t think that’s particularly attractive myself, or at least her upper parts, but we women just aren’t wired that way.

Let me explain something to you guys: Your private parts all basically look alike. We women don’t sit around thinking, oh, that one is very interesting! How different! Unless yours is orange, it pretty much looks like everyone else’s. Now, eyes are a different story. Everyone’s eyes are unique, and I don’t care how ugly a person is, I’ve never met someone who didn’t have beautiful eyes. So think like a girl, guys, and play up what we like. Not your private parts. That’s way in the future and not a big deal-breaker anyway.

How ’bout you just wash that greasy hair?

So, in case this dummy is really confused about whether this behavior can get you a date, here is my list of things guys should never do if they want to get a date (first date or second):

— Walk up to a complete stranger and ask her out. You could be a serial killer. No way.

— Yell anything out a car window. Honestly, do you think a girl is going to chase after your car and leap through the window?

— Yell anything at all. Catcalling is never a good idea, even if you’re a construction worker. Big news: We don’t actually take that as a compliment. No one likes being yelled at. Even if you’re saying, “Hey, beautiful!” I mean, it’s kind of sweet, but in a creepy-scary, “don’t make the crazy man mad” kind of way.

— Brag about how much money you have, how many vacations you go on, how big your house is; or more likely, how big your parents’ house is. At some point you have to stop taking credit for something you didn’t do. Bragging about Daddy’s money is a real turnoff.

— Have too nice a car; you’re probably spoiled rotten by your parents. Or you think a nice car will automatically get you into a girl’s pants.

— Have a crappy car; you probably don’t have much ambition or drive, no pun intended.

— Have a loud car. For goodness sake, do you really need every eye on you all the time? Didn’t you grow out of the “Mommy, look at me!” phase after your terrible twos?

— Be too cocky. It makes a girl dig in her heels out of spite.

— Be too timid. If you really like a girl, you have to be willing to fight for her. To make her feel worth fighting for. Or at least say “hi.”

— Wear too much cologne. That Axe stuff is lethal.

— Use too much hair gel. You could poke someone’s eye out with that hair!

— Neglect basic hygiene. Shave the unibrow, wash the hair, don’t wear the same musty hoody every day. I know, do too much and you’re wrong; do too little and you’re wrong. Trust me, we women feel your pain. Too little makeup and nobody knows you exist; too much and people think you’re a drag queen.

— Ask a girl out, then ask for separate checks. If the girl asks the guy out, she should be prepared to pay. After a few dates, you’ll automatically start sharing; whoever has a few extra bucks at that moment pays. But if you invite, you pay.

— Gawk at other women. Shouldn’t your attention be on the girl you’re with?

— Talk about yourself too much.

— Be mean to a dog. I can’t think of a bigger turnoff than a guy jerking his dog around by his leash or yelling at the poor animal. And then he smiles at me and asks me for a date? How about you just work on the relationship you have first. Or I might steal your dog and take him out on a date.

About alisaacarter

I am a writer of young adult novels, wife, mom of three, lover of animals, former magazine editor, reader of anything paranormal, and coffee fanatic.
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